I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
