I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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