Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
