Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
