I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
