yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
