boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
