they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
