I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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