turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I love having hate sex.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
