So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
