yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
