Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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