i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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