I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
