She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
