I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
