I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
