I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
