she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
