you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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