i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
