It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
