Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
