It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
