I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
