I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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