I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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