Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
