she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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