remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
