two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
