I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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