with your own penis?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
