Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He did a backflip because drugs
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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