I think im going to throw up on grandma
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
