he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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