just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
