A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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