Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
