im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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