I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
