I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
