I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
