Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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