I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
