You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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