matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I looked at my own cervix.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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