dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
