I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
