I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
