I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
be right there i have to get my cape
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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